i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
