Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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