look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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