woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
