im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
