No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
