You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Help. Why am I so naked?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
