mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
