the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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