I wannas sexs uuuuu
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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