i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
