I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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