i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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