u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
