i always forget guys have bellybuttons
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
