this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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