Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
