my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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