just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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