Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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