3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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