drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
