Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
