he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Randomize
