I skipped work to stalk him.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
