Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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