Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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