I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
