Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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