The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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