I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
