There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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