Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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