this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize