I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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