I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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