I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
