At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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