The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
