4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
