If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
