I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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