tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
