I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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