I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
