I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
