Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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