Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
