We named our party play list daddy issues
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
