positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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