i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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