after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
