i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
