just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
