if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
