remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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