AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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