these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
