I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
