So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
