we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i love accidental penises.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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