I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
