So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
