someone threw a dead crab at me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
