If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
well you can't waste a boner
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
