doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
