Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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