Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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