Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
