those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
