Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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