Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
