my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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